The Pain of Not Knowing

I had fallen to my knees. The pain had sent a terrible shock through my spine all the way down to my toes.

Yeah, I thought, it’s happening again.

I sighed and closed my eyes, my hands planted to the ground, barely holding my upper body steady. I guess you could say I was pretty at peace in soul, but if you had seen me, you wouldn’t have thought it with my body doubled over, hands on the ground and probably sweating. It wouldn’t have been something I would have called peaceful. But I was used to this.

It wasn’t a beating, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s not some stupid transformation, like turning into a werewolf. Hell, it’s not even a disease that I know of. Honestly, I don’t know what it is. It happens to me every once in a while, and for some reason, it’s always when I’m alone. Never had this “spasm” happened in front of my friends, family, anyone at all. I didn’t know if it was something in my head, or if it was something physically wrong with me.

I had begun to wonder about my sanity. I wanted to believe that I was perfectly sane, that these waves of pain didn’t happen, even though I knew they did.

I’ve done research and I’ve been to a doctor. I’ve told him my symptoms, had X-rays, CAT scans – I’ve had all I can have done, done. The doctor told me I was perfectly normal, that my body wasn’t harmed in anyway, that I was in perfect health.

For a second, I stopped thinking of my malady and breathed, thinking the pains were gone. Only a small spasm rocked my body and made my fingernails dig into the blue earth under me.

Outside, on a trail, I had fallen. There hadn’t been anyone around because this trail was almost always deserted. I don’t even know why I had decided to go on a walk – it was just this random “want” to do it. I laughed and yet another small, but sharp, pain cut across me, almost suffocating me. Maybe that was my problem; wanting to go where no one was.

I smiled at that thought. (No pain this time.) I had always been a recluse, but when I had turned eighteen, my mother forced me to leave her house, telling me to “never come back.” I never did. She was too evil-spirited for me, this being the reason for my wanting to be left alone. The woman scared me, more than you can even imagine. I still see my sister on holidays, but that’s about it.

Perhaps this problem of mine was due to the fact of my finally coming out of my shell and going to people – friends – for comfort. It could be that my body was so sick of being kept in the darkness that every time I went out alone it would react negatively to the lack of people. It seemed silly, even to me, but I could believe anything.

I slowly picked myself up, one leg at a time. I pushed with my hands (on my knees) and rose to my feet, triumphant yet again. I coughed, and put my sleeve over my mouth out of habit. When I drew it away, it had flecks of scarlet on it.

I shrugged. This had happened before, too. I looked up the trail and knew that it was only a few yards back to my house. There, I would have my dog for company. Or at least my body counted him as company.

Staggering back to the house, a thought occurred to me; I knew one day that this strange sickness would have me and no one, not even me, would really know its reason for attacking me.

When I opened the door to the house, I walked inside, and fell onto the couch without closing the door. My dog, Seraph, ran into the living room where I was and jumped up onto the couch beside me and started to lick my arm. She wasn’t a big dog, only a small gray schnauzer, so she didn’t weigh enough to hurt me.

“Hey girl, you doing okay?” I mumbled to the dog. She looked at me with bright eyes and yelped a “hello” to me. My body felt weak as I got up to shut the door. I didn’t want to spasm again. Seraph had followed me to the door like the obedient dog she was.

“It happened again, Seraph. I want to know what is plaguing my body. Can you tell me, girl? Can you?” I bent down on my knees and got to her level, roughly a foot and a half off of the ground. She looked at me with those sparkly brown eyes, but she didn’t have an answer for me, though she did look sorry that she couldn’t help.

“It’s alright, girl. We’ll find a cure for it one day.” I patted her head and walked up to my bedroom to undress and go to sleep. Seraph ran up the stairs past me and jumped up onto the bed, waiting for sleepy-time.

When I woke up the next morning, I remembered that I had a lunch date with my friend Carmella. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost eleven-thirty.

“Shit,” I whispered to myself as I jumped out of bed to get cleaned up. I ran into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but stopped when I noticed that Seraph was gone.

“Seraph?” I called. She was always there for me in the morning, no matter how late I slept. She never left the bedroom without me.

I walked down the stairs, not bothering to brush my teeth and only in my underwear, calling her name, but there was no answering bark.
Seraph was gone. And I had no idea where she had went.

Tears bloomed in the corners of my eyes and fell like cherry blossoms in the wind. Even if I had human friends, Seraph was my only real friend. And she was the protection from the sickness while I was at home.

But now I was home alone.